Balancing a demanding medical career with the responsibilities of parenthood is one of the most significant challenges faced by doctors, nurses, and other healthcare professionals. Medicine, with its long hours, emotional toll, and unpredictable schedules, often conflicts with the desire to be present and engaged with family. For those trying to navigate both roles successfully, this can lead to feelings of guilt, missed milestones, and the constant struggle to manage time and energy.
In this article, we’ll use personal insights from Dr. Sue Tobert and Dr. Daren Tobert to explore the challenges faced by medical professionals who are parents, discuss the emotions that come with balancing these two roles, and offer practical advice on how to reduce guilt, seek support, and create flexible work-life arrangements.
Challenges of Balancing Parenthood with a Medical Career
Being both a parent and a physician presents unique challenges that can impact your personal and professional life. Here are some challenges you may encounter while juggling your family and your career.
Feelings of Guilt
One of the most common challenges experienced by physician parents is guilt. Many medical professionals feel torn between their duty to their patients and their commitment to their families, often feeling that they are not excelling in either role.
Dr. Sue Tobert, a retired pediatric cardiologist, explains her experience like this:
“One of the things that started to creep in early as a mom was the guilt as a parent of not being able to be there all the time and 100% to support my kiddos.”
The medical profession often demands sacrifices, but it is challenging when those sacrifices affect family life. For many parents, this guilt accumulates, leading to emotional burnout.
Missing Milestones
Medical professionals often work irregular hours, with night shifts and long on-call rotations being the norm. This irregularity means that many doctors and healthcare workers miss important events in their children’s lives, from sports games to parent-teacher meetings. In a profession that requires significant dedication, missing these milestones can lead to feelings of inadequacy as a parent.
Dr. Sue Tobert remembers,
“With our one daughter, she walked on a day that we weren’t around. We got to see it that evening, but we missed that first step.”
This scenario is all too familiar for medical professionals, adding to the emotional strain of trying to balance a career with parenthood.
Time & Energy Management
Juggling time and energy is another difficult aspect of balancing a medical career with parenthood. A typical workday for a doctor might involve seeing patients for 12 hours, followed by charting, case reviews, and sometimes even taking calls from home. This leaves little time to engage with children, participate in their activities, or even take care of personal health and wellness.
Dr. Daren Tobert, a sleep medicine physician, points out:
“When we had young kids, I was working anywhere from 60 to 90 hours a week—though some of that was on-call time. But when you’re on call, even if the pager doesn’t go off, you’re not really present. Your thoughts are at the hospital and with the patients that you’re responsible for.”
Solutions for Balancing Family & Medicine
Despite the challenges, it is possible to balance a medical career and parenthood. Here are some strategies that can help reduce guilt and manage the demands of both roles.
Alleviate Guilt
It’s essential for medical professionals to accept that they cannot be everywhere all the time. Setting realistic expectations is key. Dr. Daren Tobert says,
“As you’re trying to assuage your parent guilt, you have to look at your life and say ‘What’s realistic to expect from one person?’ You may not be able to raise your kids exactly the way that you would love to. You may not be able to be with them every minute for the first three years. It’s just not possible with a physician career.”
One way to manage guilt is by focusing on the quality of time spent with your children rather than the quantity. Whether it’s reading a book before bedtime or going on weekend outings, the effort you put into creating meaningful experiences will have a lasting impact.
Another tip is to be kind to yourself. Guilt often comes from internal expectations or comparisons with others. Recognizing that your career is providing for your family, not taking away from it, can help alleviate some of the emotional burden.
Find Flexible Work Arrangements
As more hospitals and medical practices recognize the challenges faced by physician parents, flexible work arrangements are becoming increasingly common. This might involve negotiating part-time hours, reducing on-call shifts, or exploring options like job sharing or telemedicine.
Dr. Daren Tobert recommends,
“Go to part-time earlier in your career. Cut back a little bit on the income in favor of family time. I didn’t do that until just a few years ago and I wish I’d done it 10 or 15 years earlier.”
For physicians struggling to balance parenthood with full-time work, locum tenens positions or part-time roles can offer a solution. While these options might come with a reduction in salary, many doctors find that the trade-off is well worth the extra time they can spend with their children.
As Dr. Sue Tobert observes,
“When you work part-time, there are some challenges that might come up regarding career advancement. But there’s choice there. Be proactive, think about this early, and get creative.”
By considering flexible work arrangements and exploring options like part-time or locum positions, physician parents can find ways to maintain their careers while also being present for their families.
Build a Support System
It’s important to recognize that no one can do it all alone. For medical professionals with children, building a reliable support system can make all the difference. Whether it’s hiring a trusted nanny, relying on extended family, or partnering with other physician parents, support networks can help ease the daily burden of balancing work and family.
Dr. Daren Tobert advises,
“Think about gathering your support team around you and having people to help with the chores of child raising so that the time you do spend with your kids is higher quality and less administrative.”
Additionally, leaning on colleagues and openly discussing the challenges of balancing work and family can help create a more supportive workplace culture. Dr. Sue Tobert recalls,
“I borrowed maternity clothes from other residents and attendants who were more than happy to share.”
Some hospitals are also implementing peer support groups for physician parents to share their experiences and advice.
The Bottom Line: Thriving as a Parent in Healthcare
Balancing parenthood with a demanding medical career is challenging, but it is possible. By reducing guilt, seeking flexible work arrangements, building a support system, and considering part-time options, healthcare professionals can maintain their careers while being there for their families.
As Dr. Daren Tobert says,
“Having a child is never an intellectual decision. It’s an emotional and spiritual decision—more like a calling that you feel in you heart. So don’t let what’s going on in your work life make your decision as to whether or not to have kids. It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done.”
In the end, it’s important to remember that no one is perfect. By focusing on quality time, seeking help when needed, and accepting that some milestones may be missed, medical professionals can embrace both roles and thrive in their personal and professional lives.
Related Articles
Want to delve deeper into the topics of parenthood and work-life balance for medical professionals? These articles offer valuable insights!
- Guide to Having a Baby in Med School or During Residency
- Maternity Leave in Residency: Understanding Your Options
- Is Work-Life Balance Possible for Doctors?
- Tips for Finding Work-Life Balance as a Doctor
- Recognizing the Symptoms of Physician Burnout & How to Fix Them
This blog post was inspired by insights from Dr. Sue Tobert and Dr. Daren Tobert on the “Meet the Toberts” podcast episode “Navigating Parenthood: A Couples Journey.”
